Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”

Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water… (John 21: 4-7)

it was after i came out of the water
and saw him smiling
that i suddenly felt cold.

i refused a coat against the cold dawn air
choosing to shield myself instead
with my guilt and remorse.

BRAVE PETER.

COME. EAT.

that other meal
where i offered my heart, soul, life
happened a lifetime ago.

now i only have my guilt to shield me
from the cold.

i looked for anger in his eyes
bracing myself against the blows that were sure to come.

but how do you defend yourself against love?

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME?

i used to be brave
i used to be so sure…
now i do not know.

i’m a shadow of my former self.
…but yes. i love you. still.

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME? STILL?

my whole being protested.
life has become so complicated.
i’m no longer the same man who promised my life to you.
i do not even know what a promise MEANS anymore.
…but yes. still.

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME?

you know everything.
you know…

i searched his eyes. afraid to see his unbelief.
i asked him the same question in my heart.

you? do you love me?

he embraced my doubts. put a coat on me.

… YES.
STILL.

8 Day Retreat 2006. Mirador Jesuit Villa.