Many people have told me that they’ve been reading my blog if only to get clues about why I left the Society. I think people, specially those closest to me, are entitled to some kind of explanation. That will at least keep people from making up stories or assuming things. As a friend once pointed out, to ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME. (hahaha. corny!) A teacher in highschool once told us that ASSUMPTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK UPS. And so to help people find some clues and to whet their curiosity, and probably as my way of reconciling with the past as well, I will reprint here the letter I wrote to Fr. Revs Arevalo when I left Loyola House several months ago.

Fr. Revs was one of my favorite lunchmate at Loyola House. I would sometimes wait for him to get his food and sit down before I get mine, just to be able to sit beside him.

I remember that I was really sad when I left Loyola House. The night before that, when I was packing my stuff for the transfer, Francis Alvarez called me in my room and asked me to come down for “midnight snacks”. He said that the community brought pizza. The atmosphere –as I remember it now–was a subdued kind of celebration. People, I think, were happy that I finally made a decision after months of agonizing over it. But I think they were also sad that they lost a Companion.

We had an early mass the morning I left–which was kinda special for the theologians (we always had our masses in the evenings because people didn’t want to wake up early). But I’d like to think that they woke up early for me. They were all there to say goodbye. Jojo Magadia said mass. We had tight hugs during the kiss of peace time. I remember Arnel Aquino giving me a really tight hug and telling me to take care of myself. That was special because Arnel became one of my dearest friends when I was in Cebu.

So many people helped bring my bags to the van. Nono Lev drove and Lito was there to accompany me. Then it was time to go.

A new life awaited…

Dear Fr. Rev’s,

By now, you’ve probably heard the news that I’m leaving the Society. This was a decision that came after much processing, prayer and discernment. My being generally happy with the Community and the life I derive from the apostolate and the ministry precisely made me not ask the question before. And yet, underneath it all, was this nagging feeling that took me a long time to acknowledge precisely because I was “happy”. It comes out in conversations, in deep, incessant, unyielding loneliness and even in outright struggle with chastity. It took me a while to ask the question because I was doing ok. But God in His goodness made me see that success certainly does not equal a vocation to the Society of Jesus.

It took me a while to realize that I am becoming diminished by this whole struggle. It was no longer life-giving. There were moments when I even felt violated by the struggle itself. The cross was becoming too heavy to bear. It took me a while to realize that maybe this is not my cross at all. It’s funny how my 30 day retreat contemplation on the Passion was about this. I was watching Christ carry His cross. And when I attempted to help Him, He rebuked me, looked at me and said, “Maghanap ka nga ng sarili mong krus?” I laughed about this before because I thought it was funny. But it was actually prophetic of the struggle that I was to encounter in Jesuit life: I took on a cross that wasn’t mine to carry in the first place. I realized that I could live a more life-giving life. I could become more ME and more WHOLE, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be that in the guise of SACRIFICE and a NOBLE LIFE.

Something “clicked” in my retreat. I know enough to say this is not for me. I have enough data to come to some conviction that this is not my vocation. It wasn’t that I shouldn’t have entered in the first place. What was made clear in my retreat was that I was a Jesuit this long because I was supposed to be a Jesuit for this long. I will bring with me the formation and the skills and the perspective I got in the past seven/eight years. Nothing is ever wasted in God. Now, more than ever, I believe that all things have a reason and fall into place.

I am making this decision because I feel deep in my heart that it is the right decision to make and the time is ripe to make it. I assure you that I went through a good process with Fr. Champoux and Fr. Mon.

I am writing this letter to thank you for your presence and your person. You were one of those I always looked forward to sitting with at table. I felt that I was a disciple sitting at the feet of his master. And not just because of the theology talk and reflections, but even more so because of the showbiz and basketball talk. It made me see how it is possible to be so “human” and so brilliant at the same time. I always enjoyed sitting beside you Pads. I genuinely enjoyed listening to you.

I will always remember why the Catholic Church has a hard time implementing change—and your image of a big ship that takes such a long time to turn—but I will always trust that change is happening. I will always remember Christmas dinner at Tita Cory’s. I will remember your Holy Week reflections.

Now is the time for me to move on to other things, but I will always remain grateful to the Society for giving me this opportunity to live this life. Thank you so much for allowing me to witness your life and your person. Thank you for letting me seat at your feet.

Pray for me, please, as I begin a new life outside the Society.

AM+DG,
Eric Santillan