They say you don’t have a right looking forward to the future if you can’t face your past.

I have had the privilege of being a Jesuit the past eight years of my life. My friends would call it “the best of both worlds”. They probably think being in the Society is another world altogether (in a lot of sense, it is another world altogether)–that, and getting world-class formation seems to them as really having the best of both worlds. In the homily of Fr. Danny Huang in the Ignatius Mass this afternoon, he talked about Jesuits being “fools for Christ”. When I talked to Tintin of the Wednesday Group afterwards, she said that leaving the Society is actually more foolish. She said that it takes endurance (and a lot of grace!) to stay. But it takes courage to leave.

After going through formation and having lived as a Jesuit, I could say that this is very true. I did live a very comfortable life when I was a Jesuit. I didn’t have to think about where to eat and what to eat because food was on the table every time I’d go home. There was internet and there were computers available when you need it. You had your own phone in your own room. You get the best books and the best education. You have influence. People listen to you before they make major decisions in their lives. You can be a very important person in the community–your opinion valued and your initiatives supported. It can (and it does) get very comfortable. The challenge was always to find some space for squalor and simplicity amidst the seeming comfort that the Society provides. People think you’re giving up a lot when you enter the Jesuits. You’re actually giving up so much more when you leave.

In the mass this afternoon–my first Ignatius Mass as a non-Jesuit–people were asking me how I felt about the mass and about the fact that I’m no longer a Jesuit. I felt a pang– regret? Sadness? There were touches of that. I’d be a robot if I didn’t feel that. There was also some semblance of acceptance of the fact that I’m no longer of the compania. I will not be a Jesuit. I will come to more Jesuit gatherings in the future as a lay person. I would be a mass-goer, not its presider. I would be listening to homilies, not give them. I would not be wearing the soutane anymore.

I met Tito Dodie Naguiat in the mass and I somehow saw my future in him. He was also a Jesuit in the 60’s who left after regency at Xavier University in Cagayan de Oro. Lately, he’s come back to his Jesuit roots and is now giving Ignatian retreats. He comes to Jesuit gatherings too. I don’t know if he feels the way I feel. But I want to be like him–working in the corporate world, but working with Jesuits too. And at peace with the fact that that was the life I left behind. And this is the life I’ve chosen.

Here are things I miss about the Society. This is not a melodramatic remembering of the past, it’s really about respecting the past I lived. And maybe it’s also about giving due to the formation i went through and the man i have become because of the Society of Jesus.

1) Preprandials. Jesuits would usually have wine and pica pica (cold cuts, peanuts, chips and dips, etc) before dinner. I miss having that now. The point of the preprands is really having an unhurried meal, having life-giving conversations, and a time to just step back and relax after a busy day at work. In a world where dinner breaks (and lunch breaks) are really just a hurried hour or two, preprands is a reminder that there are some things more important to life than work.

2) Mirador and Baguio City. I spent the best of summers and the best retreats at the Mirador Jesuit Villa in Baguio. People don’t know that there’s a retreat house above the Grotto. With the changes brought about by the Christian Life Community and the team of Frs. Mike Lambino and Rene Javellana, it’s become even more beautiful.
Baguio City will always have a special place in my heart because of the summers I spent there. It’s still one of the most quaint cities in the Philippines. I love its climate and the fact that it’s a city that’s also still very much “provincial” and rural.

If I can just find work there, I would love to transfer and raise my future family there in Baguio.

Must-visits: Cafe by the Ruins (try their Filipino breakfast of native bacon, mountain rice and two eggs! their camote buns and strawberry shake are also delectable), the Figaro coffee shop on the top floor of SM Baguio overlooking the city, i forgot the name but the resto at the back of LTO Baguio (try their bulalo!), Chocolate de Batirol at Camp John Hay, Pilgrim’s Cafe (with its resident band On Call), the Pink Sisters chapel/convent, and you can also buy the Good Shepherd ube jam at its source.

to be continued…