Everything I Learned About Being a Gentleman, I Learned From My Dad

Today is my dad’s birth­day. I orig­i­nally wrote this arti­cle a year and a half ago, but I would like to repost it and ded­i­cate it to my dad. My dad was here in Manila to visit us and join my sister’s Culi­nary School “grad­u­a­tion” two weeks ago. And he has remained cool, calm, col­lected and ever a gentleman.

Happy birth­day dad! I hope you real­ize how much you mean to us!

My office mate Melissa asked me the other day if sem­i­nar­i­ans (or ex sem­i­nar­i­ans) got a crash course on being a Gen­tle­man inside the Sem­i­nary. I for­got how I answered her exactly in that con­ver­sa­tion, but I did think about that ques­tion after­wards. After some think­ing, I real­ized that (almost) every­thing about being a gen­tle­man, I really got from my dad. Some I learned in school, while being with girls. And the rest I learned from being a Jesuit.

The other day, I talked to my mom over the phone and she men­tioned how my dad took care of her in the hos­pi­tal for nine days when she was sick with dengue. She was struck by how car­ing my dad was. That just con­firmed my think­ing that (almost) every­thing I learned about being a gen­tle­man, I really got from my dad.

These are some of it:

Always be polite
I learned that even if you don’t like some­one, you can con­tinue being polite and cour­te­ous. And you show that you’re the bet­ter man by being “diplomatic”.

Be punc­tual
Per­haps the great­est sign of respect, is being on time or just being a lit­tle early. On the flip side, one of the great­est signs of dis­cour­tesy is being late. Hav­ing peo­ple wait for you is the equiv­a­lent of telling them that you don’t care enough about them. If you can­not avoid being late, tell peo­ple ahead of time that you’ll be late in com­ing. And when you come in late, don’t announce your late­ness to every­one in the room by mak­ing a big fuss about it. Just come in and sit discreetly.

Do not curse
I still have to learn this myself because some­times I do curse when I’m really angry. But I’ve never heard my dad curse in front of me. When I am very angry and I curse, it really shows that I don’t have the vocab­u­lary to express my thoughts appropriately.

Do not speak too loudly
My dad is soft spo­ken. And this is some­thing I have to learn and prac­tice myself. Speak­ing loudly (and shout­ing) implies that you can’t rea­son with peo­ple and rely on “brute force” more to get your point across. It also draws atten­tion — neg­a­tive attention.

Do not inter­rupt
With­out really “teach­ing” me, I learned to let peo­ple fin­ish what they are say­ing before adding my own comments–even if your com­ments are REALLY good. Well, if you want to come across as ego­tis­ti­cal and boast­ful, you can do so by con­stantly interrupting.

Respect peo­ple, spe­cially your elders
My dad call peo­ple “sir” and “maam” out of respect even if I know that he’s more accom­plished than them. It doesn’t mat­ter to him. He respects peo­ple even if it’s not due them. And this les­son has taught me to be gen­uinely respect­ful of peo­ple too. Not because I want things from them. Not because I have a hid­den agenda and I’m col­lect­ing later on. But really because peo­ple have earned the right for respect.

Do not laugh at oth­ers’ mis­takes
This is per­haps one of the cru­elest things one can do. When you mess up, the last thing you want is for some­one not only to bring it to your atten­tion, but to ridicule you on top of that. Only when the per­son who made the mis­take has laughed about it do I allow myself to laugh about it as well.

Ask if she needs any­thing
This is one that most guys already do. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her some­thing to drink (or eat). Show her that you care about her com­fort and needs.

Prac­tice good eti­quette
Being cour­te­ous and respect­ful extends to how you han­dle your oral and writ­ten com­mu­ni­ca­tions. Let­ters and mes­sages (even text mes­sages) should show that you are well-mannered and pro­fes­sional. You should see my dad’s hand­writ­ten let­ters. His hand­writ­ing is impec­ca­ble, and his let­ters are always well-written and gram­mat­i­cally correct.

Main­tain eye con­tact
I think I got this from the time my dad was doing busi­ness when I was younger. At a party, or a meet­ing, main­tain eye con­tact with whomever you are speak­ing with. If some­one feels you’re scan­ning the room for some­one more impor­tant to talk to, peo­ple will feel that you really don’t care for them.

One of the things said about Bill Clin­ton is that he has the abil­ity to make peo­ple feel that they are the most impor­tant peo­ple in the world when he’s talk­ing to them. Alexan­der the Great also knew all of his sol­diers by name.

Engage peo­ple
I think this should come nat­u­rally. Make con­ver­sa­tion with those on the side­lines. Your good breed­ing and kind­ness will be remem­bered later on. Invite peo­ple to become involved.

Open the door
I think this is one of the most basic things a gen­tle­man ought to do. Some­times, open­ing the door for women can be a con­tentious issue, so don’t make it too obvi­ous. If there are men and women in the group, hold the door for every­one. But some women would still pre­fer their men to open the door for them. In a social con­text, a gen­tle­man will always hold the door for a lady. In addi­tion, go around to open the car door and wait there until she is seated.

I think in the end, a gen­tle­man is a gen­tle­man when he doesn’t trum­pet the fact that he is. And that is one of the great­est lessons I learned from my dad too.