How to Choose Your Life Partner

Photo by Neloqua

Rela­tion­ships don’t come easy. We may all have the­o­ries about it (we love the Bob Ong arti­cle for exam­ple) and read up on cute stuff about love and learn from movies and books about it; but rela­tion­ships are hard because you’re deal­ing with some­one who is OTHER than you and can’t con­trol. Rela­tion­ships are about two dif­fer­ent world views, and per­spec­tives and lives. And trust is so hard to come by nowa­days. Betray­als have hap­pened in the past and we are for­ever scarred by those.

And yet at the same time, being human is about the quest for whole­ness and com­plete­ness. There is, in us, an inces­sant quest for love. THE ONE is right there, some­where; and we will meet him/her some“when” (hehe). And when we’ve found him, we will never look back and let go.

Novem­ber 9^th, 2009 by Gail Brenner

Gail Bren­ner, Ph.D. is a guest blog­ger for Pick­The­Brain. She offers prac­ti­cal and inspir­ing wis­dom for real­iz­ing true hap­pi­ness at her blog A Flour­ish­ing Life, focus­ing on real solu­tions for self-defeating habits.

If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life part­ner. Yet, this is one of the most crit­i­cal deci­sions we will ever make in life – with poten­tially huge reper­cus­sions for a less-than-ideal choice. A long-term rela­tion­ship can be one of the most joy­ous and ful­fill­ing expe­ri­ences life has to offer. Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life part­ner who is right for you:

Con­sider qual­i­ties that are impor­tant to you

First, become famil­iar with the qual­i­ties that you desire in a part­ner. It doesn’t mat­ter what they are – what mat­ters is that you are con­sciously aware of what is impor­tant to you. Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are clear about what you want. Two qual­i­ties you might seri­ously con­sider are hon­esty and openness/flexibility. You need to be able to trust your part­ner to be straight up with you – about money, pref­er­ences, things they are doing, peo­ple they are spend­ing time with. In addi­tion, you will want to choose some­one who is open to exam­in­ing them­selves, will­ing to take respon­si­bil­ity for their own behav­ior, and able to move with the ebbs and flows of life.

Remem­ber these qual­i­ties when you are dating

Now that you have devel­oped a list, have the wis­dom to use it. We all know how eas­ily we are side­tracked by sex­ual attrac­tion, the blush of a new romance, rela­tion­ship melo­drama. If what you want is a part­ner for life, for­get romance and be log­i­cal and real­is­tic. As you are get­ting to know your poten­tial part­ner, take some time to sit by your­self and deter­mine if he or she pos­sesses the qual­i­ties you desire. If so, hap­pily con­tinue dat­ing. If not, find the strength within your­self to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind good­bye, and move on. Aban­don hope that things will change in the future. Base your deci­sion on what you are cer­tain of, which is what you know to be true now.

Dis­cuss the big issues

I find myself in dis­be­lief when I hear of newly mar­ried cou­ples dis­cov­er­ing mon­u­men­tal dif­fer­ences on some of the most essen­tial life choices. Spare your­self this chal­lenge by ini­ti­at­ing open dis­cus­sions about chil­dren (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work, reli­gion, where to live, and rela­tion­ships with extended fam­ily. The pur­pose of these dis­cus­sions is to uncover any fun­da­men­tal dif­fer­ences between you so you can decide if you want to con­tinue the rela­tion­ship. Do the research thor­oughly, but also real­ize that pri­or­i­ties and pref­er­ences have a way of chang­ing over time. This is why open­ness and flex­i­bil­ity are impor­tant. Learn all you can about your poten­tial mate, and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.

Find a good friend
Shar­ing your life with the right part­ner is a joy. The inten­sity of the ini­tial attrac­tion will sub­side, so make sure that the friend­ship is strong. Do you have com­mon inter­ests? Is your con­ver­sa­tion enjoy­able and stim­u­lat­ing? Would you choose to spend a free day with this per­son? If your answer is “yes” to these ques­tions, you have in place an impor­tant ele­ment that can make your rela­tion­ship stand the test of time.

Find a lover
You really want the sex­ual part of your rela­tion­ship to work, as stum­bling in this area can cause great con­flict and dis­sat­is­fac­tion. Appetites will change – often once chil­dren arrive or hor­mones begin to dwin­dle. Start off with sex­ual com­pat­i­bil­ity, and you are build­ing a strong foun­da­tion now and for the future.

Don’t think that love, or sex­ual attrac­tion, is enough

How often have you heard, “But I love him?” A long-term rela­tion­ship involves so much more than love. A suc­cess­ful rela­tion­ship requires com­mu­ni­ca­tion and problem-solving skills, the abil­ity to man­age your own emo­tions, patience, self­less­ness. You end up deal­ing with child-rearing, bal­ance between work and home life, crises that inevitably arise. Love and sex­ual attrac­tion are beau­ti­ful expres­sions, but they are not enough for choos­ing a life partner.

Deter­mine if you can solve prob­lems together
Notice how you dis­agree, and how you recover from dis­agree­ments. If you or your part­ner defend your own posi­tions, you will have dif­fi­culty com­ing to a res­o­lu­tion. The need to be right lim­its good com­mu­ni­ca­tion. Look for, and be, some­one who speaks respect­fully and is open to other points of view.

Decide if you can accept your poten­tial partner’s idiosyncrasies

We all have them. Ways of being, things we do, that are our per­son­al­i­ties and quirks. Take the blind­ers off, and see with your eyes wide open to deter­mine if the per­son you are con­sid­er­ing is some­one you can actu­ally live with on a daily basis. Reflect on their energy level, pref­er­ence for time alone, desire for social inter­ac­tion, ways of han­dling stress, and level of clean­li­ness. Don’t be caught by the trap of hop­ing they will change, and don’t fool your­self into believ­ing that some­thing that both­ers you now won’t con­tinue to fes­ter over time. Peo­ple do change, but there is no guar­an­tee. Con­tem­plate within your­self to see if you can accept your poten­tial mate as is.

Know your dealbreakers

Only you can know your bot­tom line. You deserve to be with some­one who is truly inter­ested in mak­ing your rela­tion­ship thrive. If you are mis­treated or dis­re­spected in any way, think twice before mov­ing for­ward. Take very seri­ously prob­lems such as addic­tion, large debt, uncon­trol­lable emo­tions, or severe men­tal ill­ness. You can have tremen­dous com­pas­sion for peo­ple with these issues, but the like­li­hood of being in a sat­is­fy­ing rela­tion­ship with them is negligible.

Be an amaz­ing partner

While you are look­ing, use your time wisely. Reflect within your­self to become aware of the dif­fi­cul­ties you might con­tribute to a rela­tion­ship. Are you too clingy or afraid of get­ting close? Are you overly pas­sive or con­trol­ling? Do you need to get your own life on track in some impor­tant way? Are you attract­ing, and choos­ing, peo­ple who aren’t right for you? Do you have annoy­ing habits? Are you a grownup, able to make your rela­tion­ship with a part­ner a pri­or­ity over your imme­di­ate fam­ily? Be happy in your own life, and you will effort­lessly bring hap­pi­ness to others.

In choos­ing your part­ner, I’m invit­ing you to use your head as well as your heart. When you do, you are open­ing your­self to the pos­si­bil­ity for the deep­est inti­macy and cel­e­bra­tion of life. Allow your heart to expand in every direc­tion, and enjoy the journey!