Are You Boring?

Some­times, we become so obsessed and engrossed with telling peo­ple what we want to say that we for­get about how to say it. We have to real­ize that the way we say things is as impor­tant as what we say. In Ate­neo, we were taught ELOQUENTIA et SAPIENTIA. Elo­quence and Wis­dom. Wis­dom is good. But there is a way to com­mu­ni­cate wis­dom so that peo­ple under­stand it, are moved by it, and are led to action because of it.

The Hap­pi­ness Project talks about sim­ple ways to check whether you are being bor­ing. I think we need to be hon­est in our self-assessment so that we can hope for change.

Here are tell tale signs you’d prob­a­bly want to watch if you want to check whether you are con­nect­ing with some­one in con­ver­sa­tion, or a talk. The key is not to be too engrossed about your­self and what you’re say­ing so that you for­get about the person/s you’re talk­ing to.

1. Repeated, per­func­tory responses. A per­son who repeats, “Oh really? Wow. Oh really? Inter­est­ing.” isn’t par­tic­u­larly engaged.

2. Sim­ple ques­tions. Peo­ple who are bored ask sim­ple ques­tions. “When did you move?” “Where did you go?” Peo­ple who are inter­ested ask more com­pli­cated ques­tions that show curios­ity, not mere politeness.

3. Inter­rup­tion. Although it sounds rude, inter­rup­tion is actu­ally a good sign, I think. It means a per­son is burst­ing to say some­thing, and that shows inter­est. Similarly…

4. Request for clar­i­fi­ca­tion. A per­son who is sin­cerely inter­ested in what you’re say­ing will ask you to elab­o­rate or to explain. “What does that term mean?” “When exactly did that hap­pen?” “Then what did he say?” are the kinds of ques­tions that show that some­one is try­ing closely to fol­low what you’re saying.

5. Imbal­ance of talk­ing time. I sus­pect that many peo­ple fondly sup­pose that they usu­ally do eighty per­cent of the talk­ing because peo­ple find them fas­ci­nat­ing. Some­times, it’s true, a dis­cus­sion involves a huge down­load of infor­ma­tion desired by the lis­tener; that’s a very sat­is­fy­ing kind of con­ver­sa­tion. In gen­eral, though, peo­ple who are inter­ested in a sub­ject have things to say them­selves; they want to add their own opin­ions, infor­ma­tion, and expe­ri­ences. If they aren’t doing that, they’re prob­a­bly keep­ing quiet in the hopes that the con­ver­sa­tion will end faster. Or maybe you just aren’t let­ting them get a word in — recently I was talk­ing to some­one who, though fas­ci­nat­ing, didn’t want to let me con­tribute to the con­ver­sa­tion. I enjoyed it, but not as much as if I’d been able to talk, too.

6. Abrupt changes in topic. If you’re talk­ing to some­one about, say, the life of Win­ston Churchill (I have a ten­dency to dwell at length on this par­tic­u­lar sub­ject), and all of a sud­den the other per­son says, “So how are your kids?”, it’s a sign that he or she isn’t very inter­ested or per­haps not lis­ten­ing at all. When some­one makes this kind of switch, I have to fight the urge not to drag the topic back to what I want to talk about – but the fact that some­one has intro­duced a com­pletely dif­fer­ent sub­ject is a sure sign that the sub­ject is not engaging.

7. Body posi­tion. Peo­ple with a good con­nec­tion gen­er­ally turn to face each other. A per­son who is par­tially turned away isn’t fully embrac­ing the con­ver­sa­tion. Along the same lines, if you’re a speaker try­ing to fig­ure out if an audi­ence is inter­ested in what you’re saying:

8. Audi­ence pos­ture. Back in 1885, Sir Fran­cis Gal­ton wrote a paper called “The Mea­sure­ment of Fid­get.” He deter­mined that peo­ple slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can mea­sure the bore­dom of an audi­ence by see­ing how far from ver­ti­cally upright they are. Also, atten­tive peo­ple fid­get less; bored peo­ple fid­get more. An audi­ence that’s sit­ting still and upright is inter­ested, while an audi­ence that’s hor­i­zon­tal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld’s obser­va­tion, “We are always bored by those whom we bore.” If I’m bored, there’s a good chance the other per­son may be bored, too. Time to find a dif­fer­ent subject.

Have you fig­ured out any ways to tell if you’re bor­ing someone?