How To Kill the Green-Eyed Monster

I am reprint­ing here two arti­cles about jeal­ousy and how it destroys rela­tion­ships. I have made some way to meld the two arti­cles into one. But credit goes to the web­sites: Tips for Suc­cess and MSNBC:

Noth­ing can ruin a rela­tion­ship or mar­riage faster than jeal­ousy. Jeal­ousy cre­ates anx­i­ety, anger, lone­li­ness, hate, fear. No one thinks clearly when jealous.

Hav­ing a rela­tion­ship with a jeal­ous per­son is tough. The jeal­ous per­son acts untrust­ing or unwor­thy. Jeal­ousy makes the per­son unat­trac­tive, even repulsive.

No one wants a jeal­ous mate and no one likes being jeal­ous. So what causes jealousy?

“Jeal­ousy is the largest fac­tor in break­ing up mar­riages. Jeal­ousy comes about because of the inse­cu­rity of the jeal­ous per­son and the jeal­ousy may or may not have foun­da­tion. This per­son is afraid of hid­den com­mu­ni­ca­tion lines and will do any­thing to try to uncover them.” — L. Ron Hubbard

Peo­ple who feel secure and like them­selves tend to be less jeal­ous of oth­ers and less pos­ses­sive of their part­ners, while those who have expe­ri­enced aban­don­ment or betrayal in their lives can become over­whelmed with jeal­ousy. As chil­dren, they may have felt aban­doned when their par­ents divorced, or they may have had par­ents who were emo­tion­ally unavail­able. Or when they were grow­ing up, they saw infi­delity, so they may fear that their part­ners will always cheat, even if they have no cause to feel this way.

And peo­ple who feel deep down that they are not really a desir­able per­son or part­ner, they may always think in the back of their minds: “I’ve got to hold on to them and keep con­trol or they will leave me.” If you feel jeal­ous, or if your part­ner does, it doesn’t mat­ter. Even­tu­ally, jeal­ousy will erode your rela­tion­ship and destroy your marriage.

Jeal­ousy is a way to exert con­trol in a rela­tion­ship. For exam­ple, many women will try to pre­vent their hus­bands from see­ing or talk­ing to cer­tain peo­ple. This is not only impos­si­ble, but it can also be smoth­er­ing. Sadly, many women live in fear that their hus­bands will stray and feel threat­ened when he spends time with his guy friends. Some women are even jeal­ous of their hus­bands’ jobs, because when they’re not at home they’re not spend­ing time attend­ing to them. (men can be jeal­ous for the very same rea­sons.) What dri­ves this insa­tiable jeal­ousy? Inse­cu­rity! It is the woman’s belief if her hus­band, or part­ner, is not think­ing of her every moment, then he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him. She feels vul­ner­a­ble and afraid of being hurt or abandoned.

Get­ting con­trol of your jeal­ousy does not mean get­ting con­trol of your part­ner, it means get­ting a han­dle on your own emo­tions. Here are some ways to find out why you’re feel­ing jealous:

1) Uncover where it came from. Where was your jeal­ousy born? Did your dad leave after your par­ents’ divorced? Or was your older sib­ling the clear favorite of your mother? Did your last spouse cheat on you? Fig­ure out the sit­u­a­tion that led you to feel so inse­cure about any partner.

2) Exam­ine your self con­fi­dence. If you don’t love your­self, how can you truly believe any­one else would love you? Why don’t you like your­self and think about how to change your per­spec­tive so you can see your­self more accu­rately and positively.

3) Stop enabling. If your part­ner is jeal­ous, don’t allow him to con­trol your behav­ior. Even­tu­ally, you will feel angry and resent­ful, and act out in ways that may make him feel even more inse­cure. Tell him calmly and nicely (not dur­ing a fight) that you love him, but he has a prob­lem with jeal­ousy and you are not going to oper­ate under lock and key.

4) Set fair ground rules. Every­one needs friends and inter­ests out side her rela­tion­ship. Dis­cuss this openly and hon­estly with your part­ner and make some com­pro­mises about how much time you will spend with him. Don’t sneak around to get your time with friends. This will only make your part­ner even more sus­pi­cious and jeal­ous. The more open and up front you can be, the better.

5)Com­mu­ni­cate. If you are jeal­ous, you need to com­mu­ni­cate. You need to stop assum­ing the worst and ask ques­tions. Com­mu­ni­cate your feel­ings so you can work out solutions.

Bob says to his wife, “I don’t want to feel this jeal­ously. I want to get rid of it by ask­ing you a ques­tion, okay? Good. So are you attracted to Joe?”

His wife says, “Heav­ens no! Joe just wanted some help with his son. I love YOU like crazy!”

Bang! The hid­den com­mu­ni­ca­tion is revealed. The mys­tery is resolved. Bob feels much better.

If Bob doesn’t com­mu­ni­cate, his wife’s com­mu­ni­ca­tion with Joe makes Bob jeal­ous, afraid and angry. Their mar­riage suffers.

If your mate is jeal­ous, make sure you have no hid­den lines of com­mu­ni­ca­tion. “Would you like to read this let­ter from Jill?” “Can you meet with Joe to help with his son?”

Use com­mu­ni­ca­tion to resolve the prob­lem. For exam­ple, you notice Mar­cia is act­ing upset and not talk­ing. You ask your­self, “What com­mu­ni­ca­tion line might be hid­den from Mar­cia?” You real­ize she’s been act­ing annoyed ever since you started work­ing for an attrac­tive female boss.

“Mar­cia, have I told you about my new boss?” Mar­cia jumps up and now wants to talk. You com­mu­ni­cate the facts and remove the mys­tery. Mar­cia is cheer­ful and wants to go to a movie.

As well as using com­mu­ni­ca­tion to resolve mys­ter­ies, com­mu­ni­cate your feel­ings for your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. Tell him or her how you feel. Express your love. Show your affection.

Resolve the mys­ter­ies of the past. Dis­cuss your feel­ings in the present. Make plans for the future. Because of com­mu­ni­ca­tion, your rela­tion­ship will be a big success.