Peter’s Lament

This Sat­ur­day, my novi­tiate batch­mates in the Soci­ety of Jesus will be ordained to the Priest­hood. We entered together on May 30, 1999. I left the Jesuits Octo­ber of 2006 but have remained in touch with them. I join their fam­i­lies, the Jesuit com­mu­nity and the church in pray­ing for them on their spe­cial day.

I am ded­i­cat­ing this poem to them as they con­tinue their lives of tend­ing the sheep, and tak­ing care of the flock. May the God who has begun the good work in them bring it to ful­fill­ment in their lives. Ad Majorem Dei Glo­riam Frs. Chris Fajardo, Jhaw Haw, Nono Lev­osada, Lito Ocon, Tex Pau­rom, Roy Ragas, Karel San Juan!

This is also for those who have yet to be ordained: Ogie Cabayao, Jor­dan Orbe, Bong Dahu­nan, and Tony Basilio. And also for those of us who have left (I’m list­ing us here in the order we left): Jude Alban (who is now a dioce­san sem­i­nar­ian for La Union, Eman Nobleza, Ald­win Mahusay, Louis Tin Maung Oo, Eric San­til­lan (me!), Aldrie Lim, and Renel Dimacali, who have been called to a dif­fer­ent kind of tend­ing and tak­ing care of sheep–much less dra­matic, but equally as dif­fi­cult. The degree of dif­fi­culty is always rel­a­tive any­way.

Peter’s Lament

Early in the morn­ing, Jesus stood on the shore, but the dis­ci­ples did not real­ize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”

“No,” they answered.

He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large num­ber of fish.

Then the dis­ci­ple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer gar­ment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water… (John 21: 4–7)

it was after i came out of the water
and saw him smil­ing
that i sud­denly felt cold.

i refused a coat against the cold dawn air
choos­ing to shield myself instead
with my guilt and remorse.

BRAVE PETER.

COME. EAT.

that other meal
where i offered my heart, soul, life
hap­pened a life­time ago.

now i only have my guilt to shield me
from the cold.

i looked for anger in his eyes
brac­ing myself against the blows that were sure to come.

but how do you defend your­self against love?

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME?

i used to be brave
i used to be so sure…
now i do not know.

i’m a shadow of my for­mer self.
…but yes. i love you. still.

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME? STILL?

my whole being protested.
life has become so com­pli­cated.
i’m no longer the same man who promised my life to you.
i do not even know what a promise means any­more.
…but yes. still.

PETER. DO YOU LOVE ME?

you know every­thing.
you know…

i searched his eyes. afraid to see his unbe­lief.
i asked him the same ques­tion in my heart.

you? do you love me?

he embraced my doubts. put a coat on me.

… YES.
STILL.

8 Day Retreat 2006. Mirador Jesuit Villa.