This will be kinda long so brace your­self. The fol­low­ing essay is some­thing I wrote sev­eral years ago when I still swore to the vow of chastity.
It’s not that when I left the Soci­ety I threw chastity out the win­dow alto­gether, but it’s dif­fer­ent if you PUBLICLY swore it. There is a real pos­i­tive pres­sure to live up to it. Right now, the pressure’s no longer there. But it doesn’t mean I’ve become unchaste. [roll of eyes and evil laugh]
But see, if any­thing, this essay (which I wrote for the class …

3) Beau­ti­ful Litur­gies. Jesuit hom­i­lies are always well-prepared and insight­ful. And I took this for granted because I’d hear it almost every­day for seven years. But when I left the Soci­ety, it’s been down­hill from there. hehe. After sev­eral months of try­ing out dif­fer­ent churches/chapels, I really miss going to mass where I don’t zone out or have a neg­a­tive com­ment about a priest’s homily. I talked to Rofel about this sev­eral months ago.
I know they’re busy and all, but I promise to give you an hour …

They say you don’t have a right look­ing for­ward to the future if you can’t face your past.
I have had the priv­i­lege of being a Jesuit the past eight years of my life. My friends would call it “the best of both worlds”. They prob­a­bly think being in the Soci­ety is another world alto­gether (in a lot of sense, it is another world altogether)–that, and get­ting world-class for­ma­tion seems to them as really hav­ing the best of both worlds. In the homily of Fr. Danny Huang in the Ignatius Mass …

Many peo­ple have told me that they’ve been read­ing my blog if only to get clues about why I left the Soci­ety. I think peo­ple, spe­cially those clos­est to me, are enti­tled to some kind of expla­na­tion. That will at least keep peo­ple from mak­ing up sto­ries or assum­ing things. As a friend once pointed out, to ASSUME is to make an ASS of U and ME. (hahaha. corny!) A teacher in high­school once told us that ASSUMPTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK UPS. And so to help peo­ple find some clues and to whet their curios­ity, and prob­a­bly as my way of rec­on­cil­ing with the past as well, I will reprint here the let­ter I wrote to Fr. Revs Arevalo when I left Loy­ola House sev­eral months ago.

Fran­cisco Javier: Apos­tle to the Indies | Igna­cio de Loy­ola: Founder of the Soci­ety | Pedro Faber: the Quiet Com­pan­ion
“Noth­ing is more prac­ti­cal than find­ing God,
that is falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imag­i­na­tion,
will affect every­thing.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morn­ing,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your week­ends,
what you read,
who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and grat­i­tude.
Fall in love,
stay in love,
and it will …